Is there ever going to be a week that will go by without either Kanye West or his fiancée Kim Kardashian featuring in Celebrity Watch? CW’s gonna be totally honest with you: it doubts it. It doubts it all to hell and back.
This week, West made the Press Association ticker-tape by releasing a new song, I Won, in which he paeans Kardashian in rhyme: “I wanna dip that ass in gold” he raps, a proposition that makes CW incredibly nervous, given how badly a similar process went for Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger.
But even as CW was fretting over this terrible health-and-safety issue, West had gone on to make his next major statement. Recalling how Kardashian chose a rap star (him) over a sports star (some sports stars), he rapped, “I made it over NBA, NFL players/ So every time I score it’s like the Super Bowl.”
Now, while CW does not doubt that this lyric comes from a place of love and admiration, it feels it must caution West as to the unfortunate nature of this particular simile. Saying “I made it over NBA, NFL players” makes it sound like there was a huddle of them, grouped around Kardashian’s private areas, that West had to bust through while wearing a helmet and gumshield, that one billion people watched it on TV and that the Red Hot Chili Peppers played at half-time.
And as for “So every time I score it’s like the Super Bowl” — has he even thought about this? The goalposts in the NFL are 40ft tall and 18ft 6in wide and Kardashian’s just had a baby. To be honest, given the circumstances, this is the worst simile for making love to your wife ever.